Here we are at day number four just rocking and rolling along in this exercise of writing and self-exploration. According to the list, which you can find back on day one, today I am supposed to expound on what I fear. That shouldn’t be so bad.
We can start with an easy one, spiders. Fairly common I think. And I really don’t so much fear them as hate the little bastards. Sure I fear the big ones, the ones that lurk in your bathroom like something out of Harry Potter, but I still think that is common and to be expected.
Moving to a more true phobia, I have a fear of heights. I have always dreaded high places. Maybe it comes from being born and growing up at sea level. Maybe I just don’t like the idea of the sudden stop at the end of the fall. No idea. Not going to therapy. Not doing group acrophobia sessions. I am afraid of heights, and I am ok with that. But, this is still a pretty mundane fear.
So digging in further to more personal fears, one that troubles me as I lie in bed at night, is the fear of a being stuck in a dead end job or life. Hey, it is my exercise and I can fear what I want! Seriously. I really do fear waking up when I am in my sixties doing the same old job in a polyester shirt and clip-on tie. If that is all there is to life then please shoot me now. I have done some fun things over the years, I just don’t want all of the good times and contributions to be behind me. I don’t fear getting old, I fear growing old, boring and useless. Of dying before I am dead.
But, if we want to talk scary; a fear that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach and hopeless, there is something else. Something all too common, too real, and too possible. That fear is that something bad might happen to my kids or my wife. I guess it is the dad in me kicking in, but I can’t imagine anything worse than what could happen to any of them. My duty, and my privilege, as a father is to take care of them all. But I also know that at some point I won’t be able to. It is that helplessness, that impotence, that I fear. I only pray that it never happens, or that if it does happen that I can find a way to deal with it.
Ok, now you know to much and this has gotten a bit on the depressing side. But that is what happens when we talk about fear. True fear. Luckily tomorrow we are talking music, so that should be a bit on the brighter side. Maybe.
